The old Scottish man seemed to be precariously balanced on some invisible ledge in his hospital bed. He hung onto the bed railing, to prevent himself from lying flat. Not usual behavior for a man with a resolving kidney infection.
“Hi Mr. Bagpipes, what’s going on? Why are you lying like that?” I asked.
“Oh finally,” he said in his thick Scottish brogue, “You’re a mahn so I can speak frankly with ya.”
“Sure, go ahead.” I shut his door.
“I’M SITTIN’ ON ME BALLS.”
“Yikes, really?” I barely suppressed a smile.
I looked at his groin. The excess skin of his scrotum was indeed tucked under his bottom.
“Here let me roll you over.”
Snap! I put some latex gloves on first.
“You pull over that way,” I told him. I could budge him just enough to see that his scrotum was like a huge deflated whoopie cushion and he was sitting on it. Apparently his real life superpower was elastic powers - limited to his scrote. I’m not kidding. I’ve seen massively swollen scrotums before but this one was massive yet flat like a pancake - like some macabre Grand Slam special at the International House of Human Skin Pancakes. Hold the dingleberries.
“We’re going to need … (a bigger boat) … some help,” I pressed the nurse call button.
A young nursing assistant with bleach dyed hair and racoon eyeliner entered the room.
“Can you help me roll him. He’s sitting on his … scrotum,” I told her.
“Uh…,” the Replicant Nurses Assistant made a face, “You can take the back side.”
We managed to get him off of his squashed ball sack and he was as relieved as the proverbial tiger with a thorn taken out of its paw. I started talking to him about trying to keep his sack in front of him or even tucking some cloths under it in bed.
The nursing assistant was apparently disgusted, “I’ll just leave and let you two talk about whatever now.” Her attitude irritated me. The situation may have been funny or disgusting but the heart of the matter was this poor old guy needed help.
When she’s laid up in bed on her stretched out labia from the hundreds of amateur porn films she’s apparently grooming herself for, hopefully she’ll get a more caring “caregiver.”
“Thank you, sir. You are a good man,” the Scotsman expressed as I was leaving.
Thank you, Mr. Bagpipes.
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THE AMERICAN WAY
I mentioned in the previous entry that Amy passed her cititzenship test. Apparently today her office gave her a huge surprise party. Amy had seen all the party food earlier but when she asked about it, they said it was for “Michigan Territory Day.” Funny. At noon her boss called her into the conference room for an urgent meeting. SURPRISE! It sounded pretty cool.
She was pretty hyped about it when she came home, then the kids told her I fed them Cocoa Puffs for lunch. I pretended I was asleep on the couch.
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ANOTHER GUY WHO SPELLS COREA WITH A ‘C’